Do you ever find that you probably make too much of things or over-analyze the way people act or the things they say?  I do that a lot.  It's been a problem my whole life.  In fact, for a lot of years I had myself convinced that all of my extended family didn't care for me.  Every time they talked to me I told myself it was because we were family and they felt obligated.  Family gatherings were miserable.  It was a sad way to live my life.  Especially now that I realize how much I missed out on by having that belief. 

I continue to fight those thoughts with everyone I meet.  Whenever I'm around people I'm telling myself they don't like me.  When they don't invite me to their dinner party, I tell myself it's because they don't care about me.  When I read on a blog that someone had a fun time with their best friends, I get all sad that I don't have friends like that.  And then I have to remind myself that I DO have good friends...they just live no-where near me.  That's sad on a whole different level.

Let me get to my point though.  I'm trying not to let myself spend this summer sitting around feeling sorry for myself.  It's lame and it doesn't help anyone.  That might have been okay if it only affected me but I have a son now and he needs me to be at my best.  So I need to know...what can I do to push through the idea that no one likes me?  How can I push past the thoughts in my head that tell me I shouldn't try to make friends in my ward because they all think I'm dumb and weird and they don't want to be friends with me?

This summer has a lot of potential and I want to make the most of it!

P.S. My brother is now a married man!  It's pretty exciting.  Enjoy these awesome pictures from his wedding day.

Who Am I?

Last week I was thinking about personality and that seemingly ever present and always unanswerable question, "who am I?" It was brought on because someone had given me a compliment, and told me how much they looked up to me. As I thought about that compliment, I said to myself, "they wouldn't say that about me if they knew..." and began listing all the things I wasn't so great at or all the little slip ups I've had over the years. This lead me to wonder, am I what people say I am, or am I what I think of myself? (aka, who am I?) Then...it hit me. I shouldn’t concern myself with trying to define “who I am” or spending time trying to discover “me”. Instead I should be focusing on who I can be, and what I am capable of becoming.

In my second year of college I took a class that focused on the writings on C.S. Lewis. Throughout the class we were required to take quotes and sections from the books we read that had an impact on us. We were to expound on those and write a series of short papers which we published at the end of the class. One of my papers focused on that question of who I was, but I was never able to find the answer.

Since then I have thought on and off about that paper and the question surrounding it. Who am I? What is my personality? Is it possible to have different personalities at different times in our lives, or when we are around different people? Is only one of those personalities really us? I never came up with the answers. I stopped asking the concrete question of who I was, but I often thought about various parts of my personality and wondered if they would stick around or if I was just “faking”.

There is a quote by C.S. Lewis in his book “Mere Christianity” that I cannot quote exactly, but I remember fairly well. C.S. Lewis said that we should give Christ all that we are, the good and the bad, and let him make us what he wants us to be. I think I may have written one of my small papers on that when I took the class in college, but its meaning was never as clear to me then as it is now. I have great potential. My personality could be amazing. I could be like an angel (as a friend in 4^th grade once described me) if I give myself to Christ and focus on becoming what he can help me become.

This realization has given me a new goal to work towards. Now that I realize that I have been asking the wrong question, I can begin asking the right question. I can begin saying to Christ, “here I am, what would you have me be?” And then I can begin acting in that capacity. As I do what Christ would have me do, I will begin to meet my full potential. It feels very freeing to know that I no longer have to worry about my personality and how it might change. I know now that I can have a personality I can be proud of, instead of feeling doubt and shame. And when asked, I will know the answer to the question, “who am I?” A question which is much less important that knowing who I am becoming.

What Do You Want Them To Know?

I was thinking the other day...what if the last thing you said to someone today...was the last thing you ever got to say to them? Would you feel like you'd said enough? Would you feel guilty for what you did or didn't say?

I don't ever want to regret what I say to people. Sometimes I speak out of anger or frustration....something I need to work on.

But hopefully my family and my friends know that I love them. Do you?


I think this man knows that he means the absolute world to me. And I made sure to tell him before he left for work this morning.

Fighting is so petty.

My challenge to myself and anyone else who would like to participate: let people know how much you care. Use words and actions to express your love for them. Don't let them leave doubting your feelings.

Good Stuff

Do you know what I love?

Family Prayer.

Kneeling down together. As a family. And thanking our Heavenly Father for our blessings, for all His tender mercies.

And then asking Him for the things our family needs. Asking for strength, increased love, and the spirit.

Have you done it lately?

Try it.

A New Resolve

I have been incredibly humbled today. Wow.

Last night I went to bed cranky and angry at someone for something fairly minor, but it made me feel like people have lost all sense of social responsibility. I had a horrible dream last night that left me angry with people for what happened in the dream. This morning I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing. It was the ward executive secretary, asking if I could come in for an interview in 45 minutes.

I called my husband, upset. We didn't talk for long, I just told him about my dream and the fact that I was positive I wasn't going to like what happened in my interview. Between the dream, the idea of a calling, and the fact that I had 45 minutes before I had to be to my interview...I'm not sure which thing it was that had me upset to the point of tears, but I cried through my shower.

As I was headed to the church, I had an idea of what was going on. I knew I was getting a calling, and I was pretty positive I knew what the calling was going to be. But I could still cross my fingers and hope it was really just the bishopric wanting to have a chat and see how I was doing with my husband gone. Yeah right.

I came out of the interview with a calling, feeling overwhelmed. I walked into the mother's lounge and cried. Yes, I'm ridiculously emotional lately. No, I'm not pregnant. After a few minutes I pulled myself together and went to Relief Society.

Relief Society was a growing experience for me today. It was sweet and humbling and I left feeling more spiritually edified than I have felt at church in a long time. The spirit touched me and chastened me at the same time.

Two things that really struck me were comments people made during the lesson. One girl shared a story about her best friend dying in high school and her dad telling her that the experience could either ruin her life or build her testimony. It was up to her.

The other comment was that there will always be things we can choose to be upset by, always negative things happening. But if we look at things in a positive light, we will find that there are always things we are being blessed with too.

Please let me share my feelings, for my own benefit, on how I felt after hearing those two comments. I pondered them throughout the rest of church. I recognized that in my life, especially lately, I have had plenty of things that overwhelm me. There are so many challenges and trials and it is so easy for me to get caught up in how miserable they can make my life.

I had a goal at the beginning of the year to become more positive and look on the bright side more. But it's hard and I've slipped a lot lately. I've been hating my job, miserable with my husband gone, scared of the future, stressed by family problems...and I've been so depressed. But after listening to the spirit and the comments today, I realized that I don't have to be depressed by the challenges in my life. I know that it's normal to feel depressed sometimes. And also normal to feel angry, bitter, resentful...but only sometimes. And really what matters is how we respond to those feelings. Lately I've been letting them take over.

I also realized that when I am handed trials, I allow myself to fall apart. I give myself a pity party and instead of growing from the trial right away, I spend time feeling miserable and sad and then eventually realizing the trial won't go away...I work through it and become stronger. But how much better would my life and my attitude be if I would just buckle down and go to work on the trial right away, instead of throwing a pity party first?

There is a friend of mine who is a huge example to me. She has been from the moment I met her. I should probably tell her more often what a good example she has been to me. Recently she had a huge trial pop up in her life. She told me that she had cried a lot. And then she gave me a list of 8 or 9 blessings she could find from the trial. How amazing that was to me. When I am faced with a challenge, I don't sit down and list the good in my life. I sit down and cry and ask "why me?" Once again, my friend has taught me through her example what I should be striving to be like in thought and action.

Today I left church with a new resolve. I have not taken the necessary steps I should be to make my life the best it can be. I have not been my best spiritual self, I have not been my best mental self, I have not been my best emotional self, I have not even been my best physical self. So I have a lot of improving to do. But it starts now.

I will always have trials, I will always struggle with some things, and yes, sometimes I will feel incredibly overwhelmed. But a pity party won't help. Looking at the negative side won't make me feel better. All I can do is roll my sleeves up, say a prayer, and get to work.

Oh, and for anyone who is wondering...my new calling is 2nd counselor in Relief Society.

Simplifying My Life

As a way to help simplify my life, and keep me sane, I came to the decision earlier this week to delete Facebook. Honestly, Tyler has been asking me to do so for months now. Embarrassingly enough, it was starting to become an addiction. I couldn't handle not knowing what everyone's statuses would say, or without seeing what new pictures would be posted. It was getting ridiculous.

So after some drama, some realizations, and an internal struggle...I announced to all my Facebook friends that I would be leaving.

Some of the responses surprised me.

I found that some people were extremely worried that we wouldn't be able to stay in contact. Some expressed sincere regret because that is the only way they communicate with their friends. People were sad they wouldn't be able to see my pictures anymore. I had a person or two actually tell me good job for taking the step.

Now that I've made the decision and am preparing on going through with it (just giving a few more people the chance to give me their email addresses, etc.), I feel almost free. I won't be stuck knowing every single thing that happens to every single person every single minute of every single day. And thank goodness I will get away from all the Farmville and Petville and whatever else...invites clogging up the news feed.

As I have thought about the different reactions people have had towards my decision, I can't help but be astounded how society (myself included) has become so reliant on these websites to keep us connected with the world. We feel like we can't survive without them. And yet...as my dad has been pointing out for a long time...for thousands of years people survived without Facebook. And were probably better off for it.

I am a little bit surprised and entertained, perhaps even a little puzzled, by people who are worried that they will no longer be able to know about my life, or talk to me. If you really care what I'm up to...why can't you shoot me an email? I'll even send you some pictures in my response. Or call me up. Or hey, we could get together and you could be in some of my pictures. AND I have a blog...tada!!! I post pictures here. :)

I've decided part of the addiction to these sites is the convenience. Some people probably like that they don't have to put much effort into glancing at my pictures online. But emailing and asking for them, or calling me? That takes more time. Can't kill as many birds with your stone. And then there's that awkward thing where you have to talk to the person...ew.

Already I am trying to come to grips with the reality that I may miss out on hearing my friend's announcements of pregnancy, engagements, college acceptances/graduations. It will be frustrating and hard. Sometimes I will feel sad and very forgotten. Maybe this is how I will pinpoint my true friends. Or maybe this is how I will discover just how little other forms of communication are used these days.

Despite all the problems I can foresee, I do feel good about my decision. I almost feel like a burden is being lifted. And I'll get to spend a lot more time with my husband...maybe...

Holding Onto Love

My sleep pattern is already really messed up, and Tyler has only been gone a little over twenty-four hours. The night before Tyler left we didn't get to bed until after 11 pm. And then I struggled to fall asleep. I kept thinking about how it was our last night...and that makes it hard to do anything other than think. But eventually I fell asleep, and then woke up at 5am to take him to the airport. When I got home at around 6:30 am, all I wanted to do was sleep. And maybe cry. But for about an hour and a half, sleep wouldn't come. To make a long story short...I finally got some sleep that morning. And then last night I was incredibly tired. However, I had things to do, people to talk to...and I wasn't ready for bed until about 11 pm again. All night I was really looking forward to crawling into bed and being unconscious for eight hours.

Unfortunately, when it came time to go to bed, my body was ready but my brain wasn’t. I spent the next few hours wishing I was asleep while my brain went over the events of my day. After it had finished with my day, my brain started bringing up all the stresses in my life, then all the things I had to worry about where work was concerned, then it reminded me how much nicer life was when Tyler was around, and it continued pulling up memories and thoughts and ideas until early into the morning.

It was during all of this that a thought struck me. I had been thinking about all the people I know whose marriages don’t make it. It is so sad to me to think of all those people who started out so in love and then somehow that love turned into jealousy, hate, blame, frustration…those emotions that destroy a relationship. And I was asking myself if when people say they just don’t love someone anymore, if that really has to be the end.

The answer, I realized, is no. When I realized that, I began to think more in depth about why the answer is no. And the thoughts I had from that point on, I felt I needed to share. Someone, somewhere, needs to hear this. Or maybe I just needed to remember it long enough to type it out and think about it some more. But for whatever the reason, I felt prompted. And I want to follow through on that prompting.

So...the reason we stop loving someone is because we stop doing what it takes to stay in love. So often we live with this belief that love is a force we have no control over. We think that we can’t help who we fall in love with, we have no control over how we love, when we love, why we love…but that’s not the case. We have control. Love is a process, and true love takes work. It is not handed to us on a silver platter. If we want to keep love in our lives, we have to work at it.

The Lord has counseled us to love everyone. The exact scripture being, “That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.” (John 13:34). As he has loved us. And how is it that the Savior has loved us? Or as His Father, who is also our Father, has loved us? Think about it. God gave His Son. That Son gave His life. Wholeheartedly He died for us. He didn’t pick and choose who would receive love based on how nice of a person they were, how often they gave Him presents, what they did for Him…He gave His love to everyone without question. We should do the same thing.

Whether the people surrounding us treat us with respect or ignore us, we should still love them. It’s a commandment. Once I reached this conclusion, I had another question. How do we love everyone? How do I love the person who treated me unfairly? How do I love the person who didn’t show me respect? How do I love the person who said hurtful things to me? It didn’t take me long to realize the answer: service.

When you serve those around you, it becomes easier to feel love for them. Actually, I need to amend that sentence. When you serve those around you with an open heart and a willingness to forgive them for any wrongdoing, it becomes easier to feel love for them. And once again, the Savior is our perfect example of this concept. How often did He serve those around Him? He didn’t wait to see how they would treat Him. He gave His love, and He gave His service.

An important thing to recognize is that just because we serve others and work at loving them, it does not necessarily mean that they will begin to serve and love us as well. Although that is the hope, and can be the case, there will always be those who choose to reject love and service. There are many examples of such people in the Savior’s life. However, if we are to love like the Savior loved, our service and love towards others will not be contingent on their reaction.

Can we love those who hate us? Who use us, who treat us badly? Yes. Will it be easy? No. Will it be worth it? Definitely. Having a heart filled with love, rather than a heart filled with hate, will not only improve our lives now; a heart filled with love will also improve our lives for all eternity.

Love does not need to end when our spouse stops bringing us flowers, or cooking us dinner every night. Love does not need to be chased away when our neighbor says something cruel. Love does not need to be ignored when someone makes us angry. Love can last forever…as long as we are willing to work at it, to serve, to find the good, to open our hearts.

So my challenge to myself and anyone who may read this is to find a way to follow the Savior’s example and love everyone, no matter what.

My Secrets to a Happy Life.

I didn't know I had any secrets to a happy life. But last night as I was laying in bed wishing I could fall asleep, I realized I know how to be happy. I just need to utilize it more. Here's what I've discovered...

1. Be thankful.
When I realize the little things people constantly do for me, I do feel gratitude. But it's when I EXPRESS that gratitude that I really feel good. Once I start to say thank you to people for the things they do, I start to realize how many other things I can say thank you about. And then it starts this chain reaction where I am running around being grateful about everything and thanking everyone for what they do for me...and it makes me happy. What's more, I think it makes them happy. Who doesn't like to have their work appreciated? Also, it doesn't matter if I've thanked them for that thing before. If I'm still thankful for it, why not continue to express that gratitude? As I become more aware of the ways I've been blessed by the people around me (and by God...you definitely can't leave him out!), I realize how much I have to be happy about.


2. Read Scriptures.
Sorry to all of you out there who aren't religious or who don't like scriptures, but this is my blog and my keys to happiness, and that includes scriptures. This is a recent discovery for me, which is a little embarrassing. Not to say that it's the first time I've read my scriptures, or that I never appreciated them until now. But just recently I realized how much of a difference they can make in my life. I started a new goal of late to read my scriptures every day (I'd been a little slack prior to that) and it went really well for about five days. Then I skipped two nights because I thought "I'm too tired. It will be okay if I just don't read today." Guess what? It wasn't okay. Those two days had all the elements of my previous five days, minus the scriptures. And that's when I realized what a difference reading the scriptures can make. There was just something missing from my day. Something that was preventing me from feeling as good, working as hard, or smiling as much. Looking back, I realized that the only difference in my life had been reading the scriptures. So I'm back to reading, and I'm much happier. It just brings a better spirit into my home and my life.


3. Stay Positive.
Life is so full of things that can get me down. Yes, I am one of those people who looks at the glass as half empty. I am also one of those people who stresses about every. little. thing. Even the things that don't matter. I play the "what if" game way too often. Over the years I've been given various challenges to help me have a more positive attitude. There are three that I have been trying to implement in my life, and it is slowly getting easier to be positive naturally. A) For every negative thing I say, I have to come up with two positives. B) At the end of the day (usually as part of a journal entry) I have to list three things I am grateful for that day. C) Whenever something upsetting, stressful, etc. happens, I have to find the bright side. It is hard to do these things, but they are helping me so much! And I've decided that it's worth the struggle, because I feel better about myself knowing that I'm not always being negative and bringing others down with my bad attitude. Also, life just seems better and easier. Even though recently my life has had more challenges, they haven't seemed as overwhelming....most of the time....

The Positive Side of Snow

One of my resolutions for this year is to try to look on the positive side of things. Over the past few days, I feel like I've been thrown a lot of situations I could view negatively. And I'll admit that in a few of the situations I have been kind of negative. But I'm working on it.

We had a lot of snow in Rexburg last week. I've never been a huge fan of snow. Especially when I have to drive in it, or walk through the slush it becomes once others have driven through it. However, with my new positive attitude, I decided snow isn't so bad. I can at least admire its beauty.

I don't know if Rexburg has more trees in comparison to Utah, or if I just never appreciated it until I was older, but I love how the snow looks in the trees up here! The other day when Tyler and I were out for a drive, I took some pictures so that I could share that beauty with those of you who couldn't witness it for yourselves. (Just be aware that I took all these pictures through the window of a moving car!)

This is possibly my favorite picture. Look at the gorgeous, untouched, snow on the ground. And the fence off to the side, covered in snow...and the trees, covered in snow...

The best sight in the summer or the winter; rain, snow, sleet, hail, sunshine, midnight...you get the point. I LOVE THE TEMPLE!!!

I'm also a big fan of pine trees with snow on the branches. And there are a lot of nice pine trees in Rexburg. So a big thanks to whoever has been planting them around town for years. :)

It seems like there are trees everywhere that I had never noticed before, and all just covered in a blanket of white. It's so beautiful!

My Own Book

So maybe it's a little silly, but I want to try my hand at writing a book. I used to have a real passion for writing and I always thought I'd grow up and write amazing books all the time. In my entire life, I've maybe finished half a dozen stories I've started. And those were probably all for school. No, wait, I lie. I did force myself to finish one story I began, but only because I'd promised someone I'd write it for them.

The problem is that I start to get bored. I have the hardest time putting in the details that are supposed to help make the story flow. Basically, I get impatient to make it to "juicy stuff", but I know it's important to keep it flowing and not move too fast. And...I've noticed that I enjoy reading books that have some detail. I assume that means other people like it too, so it's something I really need to work on. But now I'm totally getting off subject...

Back to the book...At work, I have a lot of neat experiences and learn a lot about people. Specifically, I've learned how interesting people are. The people I work with, and for, have the most amazing stories and interesting things going on in their lives. It's funny how much I've learned and changed from when I began working.

For example, there was a resident that I'd seen only from a distance. From what I'd seen and heard, I was absolutely terrified when her daughter asked me to help her with some things. I thought she'd be mean and make my life miserable. Instead, she is one of my favorite people of all times. I love spending time with her!

So the premise of my story would be a girl who starts working for an elderly woman. She starts out not being interested and kind of hating her job, and then she starts to learn more about the woman she's working for...okay, so it's one of those feel-good things where she discovers how wonderful the person is and learns all these great things from her. Maybe it's an over-done story line, but I just can't stop thinking about it.

I figure if it's on my mind this often and for this long (we're talking months, people) than maybe there's something to it. I'm going to at least try...and I'm hoping for a cheering section. It's hard...I'm like two pages in is all. Gah, this will be hard!