Darling Selwyn

I know it's weird for a lot of people that I had a pet rat...but I loved the darling little thing. And you have to admit...she'd kinda cute! I find most people love her once they can get past the creepy tail thing.

Picture taken the day I got her, January 30th, 2009

And maybe this is pathetic, but she died last night and when my dad told me today, I cried. I'm really sad and miss her and was looking forward to seeing her when I got to Utah next week.

I knew she was going to die soon. She's had a horrible tumor on her leg for almost a year and even though my cool nursing dad has done what he can to help her, the tumor grew and was starting to prevent her from moving around as well.

She was a special member of our family and when I got married and moved away, I asked my youngest brother to take care of her (my apartment wouldn't allow pets). But everyone in the family loved to get her out of her cage and play with her. Like all rats, she loved to hide in small, dark places. She especially loved sitting on your neck if you were a girl and hiding behind your hair. She'd crawl in your shirt, or a pocket...anywhere she was hidden and felt safe.

And she could do tricks. We would have her jump from our hands to her cage and then give her a cheerio as a reward. She loved those cheerios and would always try to persuade you to give her more than one.

One of my favorite things about Selwyn was that when you entered the room, she'd pounce on the side of the cage and watch you. It reminded me of a monkey and I often referred to her as my "little monkey rat".

Playing with my sister, March 2009

A rat's life span is only two or three years, and Selwyn reached her two year mark recently. I'm glad she's not in pain anymore, that tumor surely couldn't have been pleasant. But dang it, I'm going to miss my little monkey rat!

Pets go to heaven too, right?

Growth

So much has happened in my life recently. I don't know what to write about. Not from a lack of things to write about, but because I don't know where to start or what others would be interested in hearing.

I am very slowly adjusting to life in South Carolina. Although I've visited Sumter before and always enjoyed it, living here is different than visiting. Yesterday for the first time I drove to the store. Not alone, but it was still an improvement. I get very disoriented here (or really....anywhere...I have no sense of direction...) and I am scared of getting lost, so it's hard for me to want to venture out. Slowly but surely I suppose I am getting the hang of it.

This past weekend we went up to Wisconsin for a family reunion and also for Gram K's memorial service. She passed away about a month and a half ago, but she was cremated and the memorial service was chosen for a weekend when everyone would be able to come. So the family reunion weekend was the perfect choice.

There were a lot of new things I experienced over the weekend. I drove through Chicago and Minneapolis (I wasn't actually the driver....), met a lot of family, went to a state I'd never been to, had a fish fry, drank rootbeer in a family owned bar, sang two songs at a memorial service, and went to the First United Congregational Church of Christ (sang there as well....).

All weekend I've had a variety of thoughts come into my mind in relation to the new things I have experienced. One was the shock of what people wear to events these days. The idea of wearing less than you very best to church is a new one for me. I've always felt that an easy way to be able to express and show respect for Heavenly Father and Jesus is to look your best when you enter Their house of worship. Also, there were people wearing shorts and blue jeans to the memorial service. Again, as a show of respect, why wouldn't you dress up a little? The most baffling thing for me was the people who dressed up more for the memorial than for church. Not downplaying Gram K at all, I loved her dearly....but doesn't God also deserve our respect? It was just interesting.

I enjoyed the experience of attending a different church. I am one of those little Mormon girls who has only ever been to LDS churches. Their Sunday service was different, some of their beliefs and teachings were different, but the spirit was still there. And I was a little surprised by that...pleasantly, of course.

All of my life has been a growing experience, but since we discovered less than two months ago that we were meant to move to South Carolina, I have experienced a lot more growth than I ever thought possible.

So here is to the future. To the possibilities. To the memories in the making. And to the growth.

Gram K

This weekend Tyler's mom's mom...aka is grandmother...died. She had been battling cancer for a few years and although we are all going to miss her, we are grateful that she is no longer in pain.

I felt really connected to her, even though I had only met her twice. Gram K was such a sweet, sweet lady and I loved the time I got to spend with her.

(My dad and Gram K at our Open House in South Carolina)

I am once again incredibly grateful for my faith, which allows me to keep living, knowing that I will see those I love again.

Discussing Death

Today I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed: emotionally speaking. The past month has been a rocky road while I have been watching my grandpa get weaker and weaker. As a family we have had to work through various emotional turmoils--all of us dealing with our grief in very unique and individualized ways.

Grandpa passed away on Saturday. I am so happy for him though. I think my grandma put it best by saying that she knows there is no where he would choose to be, if he can't be with his family, than in heaven working hard. She actually was more articulate than that, but I can't remember her exact wording. Basically what it boils down to is this: Grandpa lived a very good life. If you could look at even a portion of the lives he has touched, you would be amazed. He was a wonderful, spiritual, thoughtful man. He loved his wife and family very much, and we all knew it. At 90 years old, Grandpa deserved a bit of a rest. He spent close to a month in bed, growing weaker every day. Now he has passed on. And I use that term because that's what happened. Physically he is dead, but spiritually he is alive and well. I believe with all my heart that Grandpa is somewhere beyond this world, blessing lives through his continued service to God. One of the most beautiful parts of my faith as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is my belief that my family is eternal. When we leave this world, we will be together again--and still a family. I know that Grandma and Grandpa will be reunited, and that when I die, I will be reunited with them as well. We never really need to say goodbye...it's more of a "see you later".

And before I end, I just have to say thank you. Yesterday (Monday) Grandpa's obituary was in the paper, and we have had many people send their condolences. It touches me so deeply to have people come over to our house bearing dinner and a heartfelt "I'm so sorry for your loss." My family has been blessed with wonderful neighbors and friends, who show their love and concern in so many different, and yet equally appreciated, ways. Their love and support have really helped during my grieving, and I'm sure the same goes for the rest of my family. I hope that anyone who has to experience the pain of losing a loved one can be blessed with friends and neighbors as thoughtful as mine.

The Crazy and the Restless (get it?)

What a crazy life I am suddenly leading! I think that God is trying to show me how many qualities I am deficient in. One of those is definitely patience.

Things were okay this week in primary because my biggest problem child didn't come. Isn't it awful that I was glad a kid didn't come to primary?! I know that I need to find a way to handle this situation or we will all walk away from church with a bad taste in our mouths. Not good! If anyone has ideas for dealing with a child who constantly demands attention (good or bad) please share!

Work has slow times and busy times. The slow times are really slow and the busy times are insanely busy. Today was a busy day, and there were a few times I thought I was going to scream! I had to deal with a huge scheduling conflict. A family had arranged a flight for one of the residents and then asked me to drive her to the airport...unfortunately I had another appointment at the same time. Having to tell the resident that was not the funnest thing I've ever done, but she was very gracious about it. Thank goodness! I can't tell you how nervous I was to break the news to her. Luckily there are other services that can take a person to the airport.

My grandpa is still hanging in there. It's a huge guessing game for us at this point. My dad says really he could go on like this for months. Every day we wonder if it will be his last. This has been difficult for me for some obvious reasons. (At least, I think they are obvious!) When I think about the so-called "worldly" aspects of having my grandfather pass away, the situation is very upsetting and tragic. However, when I look at it from the eternal perspective--because I DO believe in life after death and I firmly believe I will see my grandfather again--then it's not really so hard to let him go; especially because he is old and has lived a long life.

With everything going on, you'd think I had no time to feel bored...and I don't really. A better word for how I am feeling is restless. I want to make a big change in my life. Now isn't really the right time for quitting my job or moving, so I'm trying to find a small change to satisfy my restlessness. I have been thinking it would be fun to change my hair somehow. I'm not into dying it (virgin hair and proud of it!) or getting highlights (especially because highlights require so much maintenance), so I want to change the style somehow. The problem is that I have short hair already...what can I do??? And please, don't even suggest shaving it off! But if you have any ideas, I am open to hearing them...in fact, I would welcome them!

Little stresses...big goals!

My mom has started a blog and as I read hers, and keep up with my other friends', I am realizing that I am an awful blogger. I write so irregularly and only when I think I have something *amazing* to say. I don't find my life very amazing, so I don't write much.

I have spent the past week pondering how I can improve myself. You could say that I am starting New Year's Resolutions a little late. So I've come up with some goals for myself and I think maybe I will add blogging to the list...though it will be closer to the bottom of the list than say...oh, reading my scriptures...

Things in my life are a little hectic, but not in the sense that I am always running around with things to do; just that the things I am doing cause a lot of stress. Let me revise that a little. Not even the things I am doing...the things that people I am interacting with are doing. For example: My grandpa is dying. Personally, I have no control over the situation and I haven't DONE anything (besides be sad and say my goodbye) yet it has caused a lot of stress within myself and in my family.

One big problem I have discovered while going through this experience with my grandfather is that I am not a patient person. I already knew that I had a hard time waiting in lines and hated waiting for big holidays or for visits from friends...but I had no idea I had such a short temper! I have been so frustrated with people who haven't responded the way I think they should to my grandfather's situation. I had a friend ask me the other day how I was doing and when I told them my grandpa was dying this friend kind of breezed over it...I was so offended!

When I really think about though, people don't know how to approach death. Even having dealt with death in my life before, I still don't know how to approach it. The experience is such a personal one, and everyone deals with it different. Even the same person will deal with different deaths in different ways. You can be darn sure I am feeling differently in this situation with my grandfather than I felt when I was informed that my dear friend had passed away. Yet I still get offended when people don't respond to my feelings the way I want them to where death is concerned. That's something I personally need to work on.

Other stressful things in my life: (a) work! Who knew it could be so darn stressful trying to find green eyeshadow??? There is a lady who wants a very specific shade of green eyeshadow to match a very specific outfit and I have had the hardest time trying to please her. (b) church. More specifically, my church calling. And even more specifically...learning how to deal with kids who can't sit still and shut their trap while you are trying to teach!!! It has been so frustrating to me that 3 of the kids will sit and be quiet and really try to learn, and the other 2 or 3 will be silly and refuse to pay attention or even be quiet. What's a teacher to do?! (c) the future. People have sometimes told me I need to live more in the present and stop thinking about the future so much but...I just can't help it. I like to have a plan. Plus how can we not all be a little stressed with economic doom being preached on television. I don't want to live in a cardboard box!