A New Resolve

I have been incredibly humbled today. Wow.

Last night I went to bed cranky and angry at someone for something fairly minor, but it made me feel like people have lost all sense of social responsibility. I had a horrible dream last night that left me angry with people for what happened in the dream. This morning I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing. It was the ward executive secretary, asking if I could come in for an interview in 45 minutes.

I called my husband, upset. We didn't talk for long, I just told him about my dream and the fact that I was positive I wasn't going to like what happened in my interview. Between the dream, the idea of a calling, and the fact that I had 45 minutes before I had to be to my interview...I'm not sure which thing it was that had me upset to the point of tears, but I cried through my shower.

As I was headed to the church, I had an idea of what was going on. I knew I was getting a calling, and I was pretty positive I knew what the calling was going to be. But I could still cross my fingers and hope it was really just the bishopric wanting to have a chat and see how I was doing with my husband gone. Yeah right.

I came out of the interview with a calling, feeling overwhelmed. I walked into the mother's lounge and cried. Yes, I'm ridiculously emotional lately. No, I'm not pregnant. After a few minutes I pulled myself together and went to Relief Society.

Relief Society was a growing experience for me today. It was sweet and humbling and I left feeling more spiritually edified than I have felt at church in a long time. The spirit touched me and chastened me at the same time.

Two things that really struck me were comments people made during the lesson. One girl shared a story about her best friend dying in high school and her dad telling her that the experience could either ruin her life or build her testimony. It was up to her.

The other comment was that there will always be things we can choose to be upset by, always negative things happening. But if we look at things in a positive light, we will find that there are always things we are being blessed with too.

Please let me share my feelings, for my own benefit, on how I felt after hearing those two comments. I pondered them throughout the rest of church. I recognized that in my life, especially lately, I have had plenty of things that overwhelm me. There are so many challenges and trials and it is so easy for me to get caught up in how miserable they can make my life.

I had a goal at the beginning of the year to become more positive and look on the bright side more. But it's hard and I've slipped a lot lately. I've been hating my job, miserable with my husband gone, scared of the future, stressed by family problems...and I've been so depressed. But after listening to the spirit and the comments today, I realized that I don't have to be depressed by the challenges in my life. I know that it's normal to feel depressed sometimes. And also normal to feel angry, bitter, resentful...but only sometimes. And really what matters is how we respond to those feelings. Lately I've been letting them take over.

I also realized that when I am handed trials, I allow myself to fall apart. I give myself a pity party and instead of growing from the trial right away, I spend time feeling miserable and sad and then eventually realizing the trial won't go away...I work through it and become stronger. But how much better would my life and my attitude be if I would just buckle down and go to work on the trial right away, instead of throwing a pity party first?

There is a friend of mine who is a huge example to me. She has been from the moment I met her. I should probably tell her more often what a good example she has been to me. Recently she had a huge trial pop up in her life. She told me that she had cried a lot. And then she gave me a list of 8 or 9 blessings she could find from the trial. How amazing that was to me. When I am faced with a challenge, I don't sit down and list the good in my life. I sit down and cry and ask "why me?" Once again, my friend has taught me through her example what I should be striving to be like in thought and action.

Today I left church with a new resolve. I have not taken the necessary steps I should be to make my life the best it can be. I have not been my best spiritual self, I have not been my best mental self, I have not been my best emotional self, I have not even been my best physical self. So I have a lot of improving to do. But it starts now.

I will always have trials, I will always struggle with some things, and yes, sometimes I will feel incredibly overwhelmed. But a pity party won't help. Looking at the negative side won't make me feel better. All I can do is roll my sleeves up, say a prayer, and get to work.

Oh, and for anyone who is wondering...my new calling is 2nd counselor in Relief Society.