Why I Hate Maps and One Way Streets (among other things)

It all started when I got a job...basically when I started working at the Gardens, I was supposed to get a Criminal Background check done. Only Amy (my administrator) forgot and wasn't too worried because she was hoping that the background check I had done in Utah two years earlier would be acceptable. But it isn't. Which is stupid. They all go to the FBI so...what does it matter if the fingerprints were taken in Idaho or Utah?!

Anyway... A few weeks ago Amy went to a conference for administrators, and at this conference she is informed that the Criminal Background checks have to be done within 14 days of the hire date of an employee. Well, I'd been hired way over 14 days before then.

So she comes back from her conference feeling very worried that the state will come in and discover that I've been working there without the background check and tells me we have to get it done ASAP. I figured I'd just have to go to the local police department, have my fingers rubbed in ink, pay 20 bucks and be done with it. No. I have to go through some state federal something or other. And I have to go online and fill out paperwork and schedule a date to go get it done and pay $55. Which is a ridiculous amount of money if you ask me. So I get on and fill out the paperwork and the closest appointment they have is like three weeks away...and in Idaho Falls. A week later than that there is one in Rexburg. After thinking about it, I figure I'd better get it done in Idaho Falls since it means getting it done sooner and thus hopefully keeping Amy out of trouble. So I schedule the appointment.

Fast Forward to today...which was the day of my appointment. The appointment is scheduled for 1:40 pm. I got off work a little after one, figuring that I would have plenty of time. I get in the car and realize...wait...I don't have directions. I have no clue how to get there. So I run back inside and borrow the computer to print off directions. And...they didn't make a whole lot of sense to me. So I went out to where Amy and a hospice aid were and I ask them about the directions, which they translated into English for me. Not that they were in Spanish or anything...I just don't know the area...

Anyway, so on my way again. And I have approximately twenty minutes to get there. Which is fine. The directions say it will take approximately twenty minutes, so I should get there right on time. Right? WRONG!!!

Once I get into Idaho Falls, I'm supposed to find a road where I take a "slight right". Which I assumed meant the road would curve to the right. Cuz otherwise they'd just say "turn right". And then while looking for my "slight right" I get stuck at a light waiting for a train. And the train...just stops. In the middle of the road. For ten minutes. TEN MINUTES!!!! So I pull out my paperwork and call the number to tell them I will probably be late. And I get an automated message saying they are out of the office until Friday. Excuse me?! Luckily they had another number you could call if there was an emergency or you needed immediate assistance. I figure I needed pretty immediate assistance. So I write the number down...that was the twenty seconds I was okay with a train preventing me from driving...and dial. Only I was one number off and instead of getting who I want...I get another automated message that tells me to dial another number "for a fun call". Whatever that means. I redial...this time getting it right...and talk to a very nice guy named Hernando or...something similar to that. I can't remember. Maybe it was Fernando. Anyway...I told him the whole dilemma.

He told me they were open, but...I dunno. It's complicated. Like the regular lady wasn't in and so it was a substitute and they hadn't taken the message off. So they were there, but because of the automated message you can't actually call and talk to them. So I ask what I should do. Since I'm gonna be late and have no way to let them know. (remember also that the whole way through this call, I'm sitting in front of a non-moving train.) He says that he will email the lady and tell her what happened with the train and see if she can squeeze me in. I thank him and get off.

After several more minutes of waiting...the train finally leaves. And then the light...three or four minutes later...finally turns green. And I keep driving, looking for my "slight right". After driving down the same road for...I dunno, ten minutes, I realize I am not on the right road at all, and I've obviously missed my "slight right". So I do a U-turn...no clue of those are even allowed in the area...and go back to find the "slight right" which will now be a slight left. I drive all the way back to the evil train road and guess what. I found my slight right/left. And it's not slight at all. It's a total right hand turn. But guess what else? I can't turn left there. So I have to go down another block, flip another U-turn, and take my not-so-slight right turn.

Now I'm cruising along that road, late for my appointment, telling myself it's okay because Hernando emailed the lady...looking for Shoup Avenue. I keep driving...and driving...there are a lot of roads but no Shoup. I even found Short road (and for a minute I mistook it for Shoup Ave...but luckily realized my mistake before turning). At one point I drove past a building that said State something or other and I thought "I must be close" but I never did find Shoup. Well, after driving until I'm practically out of Idaho Falls, I realize it's time to turn around and look again for Shoup. As I'm driving and trying not to scream or cry...I remember that the Hospice aid had said something about "Broadway" so when I come to that road, I look down it...and realize the next road over (past Broadway) is SHOUP!!! So I've found it, but it was too late to turn there. I drive down to the next light and...it's one way.

I hate one way streets. I started hating them when I got lost in Salt Lake trying to find my friend's apartment. And when Tyler and I were driving around Charleston looking for parking so that we could meet my parents for lunch...I continued to loath them (so we are clear, I'm talking about the one way streets, not my parents). Now I want them to all burn. I found a way to get to Shoup Avenue. But I wasn't far enough down the road. And I couldn't just turn around because it's freaking one way.

So...I finally get there. And guess what. It's that State building I'd seen before. And actually, while I was driving from one way street to one way street I'd seen it several more times. And finally decided if I couldn't find the building I was looking for, I'd turn in there because they'd be sure to know. Ha ha. So I walk inside the building and look at the directory. I didn't see anything that seemed related to background checks or fingerprints. I go over to the information desk where there is a nice elderly man and I ask him the address of the building (just to double check I'm in the right place). Yup. 150 Shoup Avenue. And before I can say anything else, he asks if I'm there for the background check. I'm guessing I wasn't the only lost soul. He directs me to the right floor and room, and I head on up.

Once I get there, I enter a room that's more of a little closet. There are some chairs and a computer...and a bunch of signs that warn you not to be more than ten minutes late. But no person. There was another sign that said to wait where you were until you were called for. So I took a seat. A few minutes later... Well, actually, like one minute...I hadn't been sitting very long...A lady comes past the room, and turns around and pops her head in, asking what I need. I start to explain what had happened and who I was and she interrupts to ask "what time was your appointment?" I was thinking of the ten minute signs, so I said, "Well, I tried to call..." she gives me a look and I end with "1:40." Just so you know, it's now like 2:25 ish. She promptly tells me that if you are more than ten minutes late you have to reschedule. I was just about ready to give her the sad story of my delays (none of which were my fault) and how I had tried to call and let her know...but she doesn't even let me start. She tells me she got the email, she was too busy to fit me in, the department had already been notified that I hadn't showed, and I'd have to reschedule. Now I felt like some sort of delinquent. They'd been notified I hadn't shown?! But I had shown! I had done everything in my power to make sure I showed up!!!!

I turn away from her at this point because I am literally on the verge of tears. I sit down to the computer that has a sign above it saying it is for the use of rescheduling and filling out paperwork. And as soon as the lady leaves the room, I start crying.

A few minutes later I calm down and decide that I can exact my revenge by calling Hernando. He'll help me! So I go back out of the room, looking for a nice place to call...After a quick trip to the restroom...Boy I looked awful. Anyway...down the stairs, out to the car, calling Hernando. Only this time I get a lady. I don't think she told me her name. And she said she'd heard me talking to Hernando. She was very nice and apologized several times for the frustrations of my day. Unfortunately...I really couldn't be seen that day. And oh...the next appointment wasn't available until a week later. I asked her if I could get an appointment in Rexburg...since Idaho Falls was so far out of my way and I was currently loathing it a great deal. Yes, but that appointment would be two weeks away. I decided to accept it anyway. And I asked her if it could be scheduled for the afternoon. Unfortunately, there were only mornings available. So I took the earliest appointment I could get hoping that Amy would be okay with me being late for work...since I didn't have much choice. I'm choosing not to tell Amy I could have gotten an appointment a week earlier if I'd gone to Idaho Falls. Cuz it was choosing to do it that way that started this whole thing. So that's basically my story.

Except that when I was driving home I realized I had no clue how to get back out of Idaho Falls. The good news is the road I was randomly driving down met with a road I'd actually taken several times before today, and from there I could find my way home. So...two hours after this whole adventure started, it ended. And thank goodness for that.